I just read an article about negativity, and how easily it creeps into our minds in the face of minor frustrations. How do we get SO pissed at the small things that go wrong, while dismissing practically everything that goes right? The article I read questioned why pessimism is such an easy default for our minds.
Before I move forward, let me clarify something. This piece is not written in the spirit of addressing heavy tragedies that reform one's perception and worldview on a core level. That topic is for another day. My intention here is to explore why- at a neurological level- we tend to react with agitation rather than acceptance, to the little stuff.
Why do we overlook miles on end of smooth sailing, only to throw a tantrum at the mildest inconvenience? The article in reference proposed that we- as a society- are lacking in gratitude. And "writ large," I agree. But when it comes to our knee-jerk response to petty frustrations, I think that explanation is only a slice of the story.
Truly, I don't think this is just a matter of being more intentional about gratitude. It's also about an implied status quo- a homeostasis, if you will. Our brains are amazing at pattern detection. It's how we navigate our world without starting at ‘carte blanche’ every morning. We make assumptions- often subconsciously- based on a rapid analysis of the information we're absorbing compared to what we already know.
I think this is actually why we tend to get our feathers ruffled so easily. Let me get into the weeds for a moment:
'Discrimination' gets a bad rap in the context of relating to others, but the process itself is in place for good reason. Imagine if we had to sort out every situation we encounter as if it were brand new. We'd spend nearly all of our mental energy just trying to get out the front door. Instead, our brains learned long ago to make viable assumptions, educated guesses, and logical generalizations.
These calculations speed things up and make us more efficient in our daily operations. By "automating" a vast myriad of thought processes, mapped out for us by way of previous experience, we're free to go into autopilot- at least to a certain extent. This is how habits are formed, both mental and behavioral. It's also how we move quickly through our day-to-day world without needing to stop and consider every stimulus or situation we're faced with.
As the techies would say, for most things, we've already got "code" written for the majority of what we encounter, which allows us to just keep rolling. The problem is, within this cognitive coding lies a lot of assumptions. I mean- like, A LOT.
Much of the time, these assumptions are accurate. If they weren't, our brains would toss them out and rewrite the code. But by virtue of trial and error, most of them are in place because they do their job well. They keep us on-track to consciously process the more challenging information we face, while the background "apps" run exactly as programmed.
But this is life, and there are bugs. Right? Maybe I'm taking the computer analogy a bit far, but can you see where I'm going here? To bring it full circle, I think we get bitchy and negative when we experience a "glitch," and those apps running in the background feel the pain of....I don't know, of needing an update?
Things do not always go the way we assume they will. We have 37,000 reasons- based on solid experience- to expect we'll get out of the supermarket in under an hour; we'll get to X destination in 18 minutes like we always have; the car will start; the water heater will offer a hot shower; the Loved One will be available to process a hard day, and so forth.
This is all according to the "code" our brains have written, which dictates the way our world should function. Time and again, these expectations have been reinforced both behaviorally and neurologically, which actually strengthens the feedback loop via repetition.
Then there's a glitch.
Best Friend can't be reached. The fridge broke and my coffee creamer is spoiled. There is a struggling dad in line ahead of me with 23 coupons, a food stamp card, a wad of cash, and a wailing infant.
#$%&*#!!!!
In the grand scheme of things, we really do know it's all gonna be okay. Our higher reasoning tells us that none of these incidents are a true crisis by their own merit. We will live through it and carry on, for Godsake. But in that moment, our higher reasoning is not in the pilot seat.
This isn't how the script was written! IT'S A GLITCH!
And so, off we go- catastrophizing, "being negative," and- dare I say- forgetting to do that thing the stupid magnet on the fridge says- "Always Be Grateful."
SIGH.
It's really not all your fault if you don't exactly demonstrate your best and most gracious behavior when you hit these little glitches, road bumps, potholes, or whatever the hell you want to call them. Truth is, you- all of us- are quite literally hardwired to not expect them.
They're a disturbance in the force. They aren't part of the script. A zillion previous experiences have told our brains that these (albeit minor) events simply should not happen at all.
But, like...they do.
It can be hard to channel gratitude when you're frustrated. To be honest, in my opinion, it can even feel a bit contrived. I do believe gratitude plays a strong role in our perspective, but I also have a softer, more neutral suggestion. Next time you're facing a disturbance in the force, try to simply practice acceptance.
It still may not feel natural in the moment. But the truth is, our "natural" reactions aren't always the healthiest or most accurate. THAT'S OKAY. Accept that you're feeling pissed off and frustrated while you're also accepting the reality of the inconvenience you're facing.
Here is what I love the most about our beautiful squishy brains: they're incredibly malleable. We literally rewire them all the time, in tiny ways, just by making minute shifts in our thinking and our habits. Yet we often overlook how much power we have to rewire our thoughts- and therefore our personal narratives- intentionally.
Now, I didn't say it was easy; I just said it was possible. Rewriting the "code" in your mind is challenging, because all movement seeks the path of least resistance- including our own thoughts. This means that, whatever thoughts we think most often (including the ones we're scarcely conscious of) are the ones our minds will default to.
But if you take just a moment in the midst of your frustration to remind yourself, "this is okay. This happens sometimes," then you've begun the process of rewriting the code. That is- rewriting your narrative in a way that includes what you might otherwise experience as a glitch or a roadblock.
"Huh, this is taking longer than usual... This is broken, even though it normally works... This is usually an option, but it isn't today... IT'S OKAY. No biggie. I can accept this."
If you take a bit of time, effort, and intention to write "I can accept this" into your neurological wiring, then the hiccups are no longer a glitch or a source of impotent rage; they just ARE. Call it a "patch" for a bug in the system??
We can wax fatalistic for days about how "these things [whatever they are] just shouldn't happen though! -And it's totally unfair and aggravating to me that they do!" -Be that as it may, they do still happen, and will continue.
So would you rather burn up energy throwing tantrums in a traffic jam, or simply rewire the system to accept them as an occasional inconvenience? Which sounds more peaceful?
As much as we hate to admit it, we have so very little control over what happens in the world around us. Yet, we have vastly more control than we recognize- or exercise- over our own thinking.
It is OKAY and totally human to get pissed off, frustrated, and impatient when you feel like your perfectly planned day has gone to the pigs. But with a bit of practice, you'll realize it truly is up to you whether it actually steals your peace.
The discomfort we're discussing is partially quelled by the active practice of gratitude, that's for sure. But the fact that we get frustrated in the first place is, in my opinion, an unfortunate by-product of our brains' amazing ability to map out our routines, environment, and daily rituals. By throwing on the "this isn't normal" alerts, our minds are simply doing their jobs.
The hard truth is, it really is up to us whether we assign the event itself as being good, bad, or just... acceptable. Take advantage of that brain power by listening to the thoughts you think, and choosing to simply say, "I can accept this."
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