Neurons and Nuance: A Meditation on Automatic Thoughts

I just read an article about negativity, and how easily it creeps into our minds in the face of minor frustrations. How do we get SO pissed at the small things that go wrong, while dismissing practically everything that goes right? The article I read questioned why pessimism is such an easy default for our minds. 

Before I move forward, let me clarify something. This piece is not written in the spirit of addressing heavy tragedies that reform one's perception and worldview on a core level. That topic is for another day. My intention here is to explore why- at a neurological level- we tend to react with agitation rather than acceptance, to the little stuff.

Why do we overlook miles on end of smooth sailing, only to throw a tantrum at the mildest inconvenience? The article in reference proposed that we- as a society- are lacking in gratitude. And "writ large," I agree. But when it comes to our knee-jerk response to petty frustrations, I think that explanation is only a slice of the story.   

Truly, I don't think this is just a matter of being more intentional about gratitude. It's also about an implied status quo- a homeostasis, if you will. Our brains are amazing at pattern detection. It's how we navigate our world without starting at ‘carte blanche’ every morning. We make assumptions- often subconsciously- based on a rapid analysis of the information we're absorbing compared to what we already know.

I think this is actually why we tend to get our feathers ruffled so easily. Let me get into the weeds for a moment:

'Discrimination' gets a bad rap in the context of relating to others, but the process itself is in place for good reason. Imagine if we had to sort out every situation we encounter as if it were brand new. We'd spend nearly all of our mental energy just trying to get out the front door. Instead, our brains learned long ago to make viable assumptions, educated guesses, and logical generalizations. 

These calculations speed things up and make us more efficient in our daily operations. By "automating" a vast myriad of thought processes, mapped out for us by way of previous experience, we're free to go into autopilot- at least to a certain extent. This is how habits are formed, both mental and behavioral. It's also how we move quickly through our day-to-day world without needing to stop and consider every stimulus or situation we're faced with. 

As the techies would say, for most things, we've already got "code" written for the majority of what we encounter, which allows us to just keep rolling. The problem is, within this cognitive coding lies a lot of assumptions. I mean- like, A LOT. 

Much of the time, these assumptions are accurate. If they weren't, our brains would toss them out and rewrite the code. But by virtue of trial and error, most of them are in place because they do their job well. They keep us on-track to consciously process the more challenging information we face, while the background "apps" run exactly as programmed. 

But this is life, and there are bugs. Right? Maybe I'm taking the computer analogy a bit far, but can you see where I'm going here? To bring it full circle, I think we get bitchy and negative when we experience a "glitch," and those apps running in the background feel the pain of....I don't know, of needing an update?

Things do not always go the way we assume they will. We have 37,000 reasons- based on solid experience- to expect we'll get out of the supermarket in under an hour; we'll get to X destination in 18 minutes like we always have; the car will start; the water heater will offer a hot shower; the Loved One will be available to process a hard day, and so forth. 

This is all according to the "code" our brains have written, which dictates the way our world should function. Time and again, these expectations have been reinforced both behaviorally and neurologically, which actually strengthens the feedback loop via repetition. 

Then there's a glitch.

Best Friend can't be reached. The fridge broke and my coffee creamer is spoiled. There is a struggling dad in line ahead of me with 23 coupons, a food stamp card, a wad of cash, and a wailing infant. 

#$%&*#!!!!

In the grand scheme of things, we really do know it's all gonna be okay. Our higher reasoning tells us that none of these incidents are a true crisis by their own merit. We will live through it and carry on, for Godsake. But in that moment, our higher reasoning is not in the pilot seat. 

This isn't how the script was written! IT'S A GLITCH!

And so, off we go- catastrophizing, "being negative," and- dare I say- forgetting to do that thing the stupid magnet on the fridge says- "Always Be Grateful." 

SIGH. 

It's really not all your fault if you don't exactly demonstrate your best and most gracious behavior when you hit these little glitches, road bumps, potholes, or whatever the hell you want to call them. Truth is, you- all of us- are quite literally hardwired to not expect them. 

They're a disturbance in the force. They aren't part of the script. A zillion previous experiences have told our brains that these (albeit minor) events simply should not happen at all. 

But, like...they do. 

It can be hard to channel gratitude when you're frustrated. To be honest, in my opinion, it can even feel a bit contrived. I do believe gratitude plays a strong role in our perspective, but I also have a softer, more neutral suggestion. Next time you're facing a disturbance in the force, try to simply practice acceptance.

It still may not feel natural in the moment. But the truth is, our "natural" reactions aren't always the healthiest or most accurate. THAT'S OKAY. Accept that you're feeling pissed off and frustrated while you're also accepting the reality of the inconvenience you're facing. 

Here is what I love the most about our beautiful squishy brains: they're incredibly malleable. We literally rewire them all the time, in tiny ways, just by making minute shifts in our thinking and our habits. Yet we often overlook how much power we have to rewire our thoughts- and therefore our personal narratives- intentionally. 

Now, I didn't say it was easy; I just said it was possible. Rewriting the "code" in your mind is challenging, because all movement seeks the path of least resistance- including our own thoughts. This means that, whatever thoughts we think most often (including the ones we're scarcely conscious of) are the ones our minds will default to. 

But if you take just a moment in the midst of your frustration to remind yourself, "this is okay. This happens sometimes," then you've begun the process of rewriting the code. That is- rewriting your narrative in a way that includes what you might otherwise experience as a glitch or a roadblock. 

"Huh, this is taking longer than usual... This is broken, even though it normally works... This is usually an option, but it isn't today... IT'S OKAY. No biggie. I can accept this."

If you take a bit of time, effort, and intention to write "I can accept this" into your neurological wiring, then the hiccups are no longer a glitch or a source of impotent rage; they just ARE. Call it a "patch" for a bug in the system?? 

We can wax fatalistic for days about how "these things [whatever they are] just shouldn't happen though! -And it's totally unfair and aggravating to me that they do!" -Be that as it may, they do still happen, and will continue. 

So would you rather burn up energy throwing tantrums in a traffic jam, or simply rewire the system to accept them as an occasional inconvenience? Which sounds more peaceful? 

As much as we hate to admit it, we have so very little control over what happens in the world around us. Yet, we have vastly more control than we recognize- or exercise- over our own thinking. 

It is OKAY and totally human to get pissed off, frustrated, and impatient when you feel like your perfectly planned day has gone to the pigs. But with a bit of practice, you'll realize it truly is up to you whether it actually steals your peace. 

The discomfort we're discussing is partially quelled by the active practice of gratitude, that's for sure. But the fact that we get frustrated in the first place is, in my opinion, an unfortunate by-product of our brains' amazing ability to map out our routines, environment, and daily rituals. By throwing on the "this isn't normal" alerts, our minds are simply doing their jobs. 

The hard truth is, it really is up to us whether we assign the event itself as being good, bad, or just... acceptable. Take advantage of that brain power by listening to the thoughts you think, and choosing to simply say, "I can accept this." 

 

Don't be the Dead Sea

My car is broken down, and I've not yet gotten it fixed because I've been hemming and hawing about the best way to go about that task. I've taken a lot of taxis lately, as I'd have to buy collision coverage for a rental at an additional $20/day. That's not financially feasible. Neither is taking a taxi at $13/15 per ride to and from work...but apparently I'm a big enough brat to avoid hanging out at the bus stop at 7am in 38* weather as long as I can afford to do so!

Sometimes I wake up in a God-awful mood for no specific reason, which was the case the other morning when "Dr. Bob" picked me up in his yellow chariot. Early 60's probably, frizzy white ponytail, and full of positive energy. (but not the manicky 'morning person' type that can make you go from feeling crabby to feeling stabby) He and I had a lively 10-minute chat on my way to work, and I hopped out of the cab with a totally refreshed attitude. I tipped him $2 more than I would have otherwise. I noticed that he did not drive off until I was entering the building. I don't think my extra $2 bought me that; I think that's just how Dr. Bob rolls (literally).

Yesterday, I needed to run to the store, and I was delighted to hear a familiar voice as I descended the stairwell. Doc was standing outside his cab on the phone with a buddy, whom he let go as I hopped in. "I remember you!" - "Heh, do you? I recall picking you up from this location the other morning...hope I was behaving that day."

We joked and commiserated over car issues as I shared about mine, and he told me his early-morning saga of getting hit by deer several hour earlier. He and I mused over the odd physics/probability at play with the difference it would have made had he gone 1mph faster (deer would've hit his car door- and therefore him) versus 1mph slower (likely no collision at all). Poor Bob is facing a $1000 deductible. He made light of it, pointing out that his "combat medals" are his arms, legs, and head all still intact.

I gave him $30 on an $11.50 ticket- the $20 wrapped inside the $10- hoping to duck out of the car before he saw it was more than 100% tip. "It's not a lot, but I know you've got car expenses too, so here's a bundle more than I owe ya." -He beat me. - "HEY, THANKS!" Again, he watched for my safety before driving off.

That's NOT much- sure as hell isn't covering his deductible. But my inner Fear still said, "whyyy did you do that? You don't know how you're gonna pay your rent this month!!"

Cuz I don't want to be the Dead Sea.

She gets her name from the fact that nothing flows out of her. No matter how much fresh water the Sea receives, it will stagnate because there's no outlet, It's still. -If nothing flows out of my hands, then whatever I receive will also "rot." (LOL, there is a lot flowing out of my hands toward bills and such- as with most of us- but I believe that, if I 'steward' the money available to me with careful generosity....Shift happens. It's not mine, anyway. It's just a resource.)

Now, to quote our friend Barry: Let me be clear, a-and, don't get it twisted. This is NOT, in my mind, a binary construct. I don't "give money to get money." That, I believe, is the main fallacy which drives people away from religious tithing. The "Shift" of my understanding (ha) is more nuanced than that, in ways I can't predict or control. But I've seen it happen in my life too many times to deny the alchemy.

Later in the evening, I spoke with my best friend, who knows of my car woes- and who happens to have a car-savvy husband. She put him on the phone and had me describe the Monte's behaviour. He suggested posting to Craigslist to solicit a mobile mechanic who might be willing to work off-the-clock. Said his neighbor did that and had no problems. These guys live in the hills of 360. His expendable income is larger than my whole paycheck. They get grass-fed bison and organic produce delivered to their home. That is to say, he's got no need or reason to "back-alley" any type of service he needs just to save a dime. That, with his knowledge of cars, gave me faith in his suggestion.

-SWEET!  Maybe I'll save a bit on labor in addition to skipping the tow fee! That itself is pretty cool. But Shift wasn't done with me yet.

Got a second call a couple hours later. "Hey, soooo, You were already gonna house-sit for us next month, and we were gonna pay you nicely for it....Why don't we just take care of your car for you?"
Tears. Even again, as I type. As I said- it's not binary. I don't believe my healthy cab tip "made" them do that. In fact, maybe this, that, and the other would all just happen anyway, and nothing is interconnected, and I would do well to brush up on my Chaos Theory rather than spouting hope-filled nonsense.

No thanks. Gratitude seems to serve me better. And...I don't wanna be the Dead Sea.

Houston, We Have a Problem

So. This is another heavy one. If that's not what you showed up for, then move along. :) Fair warning has been served.

This past Saturday, I co-facilitated a Mental Health First Aid course on the UT campus for (mostly) nursing students. I LOVE teaching this. The material is pretty straight-forward and therefore un-challenging, but I shine with public speaking. My co-facilitator was a lady whose primary job is to run around teaching suicide prevention trainings. CRINGE.

This is hard for me. It's always been hard, since my very beginnings in the field. It's unlovely on a general level, and it's grating for me on a personal level. It's HARD for me to deal with this. There is a FREAKING PROBLEM with suicide prevention, as a concept. As a theory. As a body of "knowledge." As an "intervention."As a training course (which I'm glad to say takes up very little real estate in the training I provide). And as a MESSAGE in general.

Because the message- and the problem [for they are one and the same]- is/are this: "it CAN be prevented. Utterly. Totally. And if someone completes suicide, then someone else failed at adequately utilizing 'preventative measures' to circumvent the act like they should have."

STOP.
FUCKING. STOP.

I've done a bazillion suicide interventions, and I'm good at them, and at this juncture, they're just sort of "all in a day's work." I don't mean for that to sound flippant, but it's the truth. I DO THIS. And largely, I feel like preventative interventions are [sort of] effective...up to the reaching of a certain and critical threshold. For most, there is a balancing-of-scales that's absolutely critical in the intervention process: the coexistence of "want-to" and "not-want-to," where the circumstantial redemption lies in helping them bulk more weight onto the "not-want-to" end of the scale. This is VERY possible if you've got a receptive audience. It's beautiful, even, to participate in that and feel the cosmic shift in another's soul.

But, the threshold. Everyone's got one.

I was 9 when I did my very first suicide intervention. "Daddy, do you want to kill yourself?" - "No, honey." -He did. -And, he did. I cannot imagine a more poignant 'preventative measure' than...ME. In his eyes. And it/I/that... was not enough, because he'd crossed the threshold. He, as a suffering human, was already gone. At that point, it was no longer preventable.

This is the problem. The quiet, indirect, and insidious implication that "it is ALWAYS preventable." That says that everyone who loves/loved that person, somehow failed at Suicide Prevention. NO.

I have seen- and responded to- someone who is honestly suicidal and no longer even asking for help, in my professional tenure. And I took action that effectively saved their life. And they're GOOD now. It's a harrowing thing- to feel, in your freaking bone marrow, that chilled and steeled certainty that This Person Is Done. It is, as an experience, solidly and viscerally different than a PRE-suicidal intervention. It's fucking CPR. It is literally a heartbeat that you're trying to dial a number faster than the time it needs to stop. 

I'm glad she's alive. Glad I acted fast, and knew what I was looking at. I'm glad I survive my Daddy. Glad that these trainings exist, so that there's one more barrier on the way to the threshold. But I hate the name- "Suicide Prevention." As if. It should be called "Pre-Suicide Intervention Training," instead. That way, those of us who've lost...don't ever feel like it is implied that we failed. (Because we already do feel that way. And we can heal from it, but Suicide Prevention bullshit can really be exactly NOT the message we need. In the face of absolute and final loss, we don't need to be lectured about "could have." It's done- they're gone- and it CANNOT be my/our fault. It isn't and it never was.)

Shadows and Analogies

So, today's sermon got me thinking about Christ on the cross.  So much emphasis is placed on His physical suffering, as He was tortured and eviscerated....as if it ought to be some sort of guilt trip.  "Look what he endured for you.  It hurt really bad.  Feel guilty, and out of that guilt, try to behave." -And then the spiritualists reply with chatter about altered states of consciousness, where one is unable to feel physiological pain. (And that IS a reality; there are documented instances of people having invasive surgery while in a trance-state, under NO anesthetics, and they felt no pain.  That is real.  And Christ certainly was capable of invoking such a state, to save Himself any pain He would have felt.)  But I say: that is missing the point.

An aleph- a term math majors might be familiar with- tends to represent an "infinite reduction," numerically.  In Judaism, it is the first letter of the alphabet (aleph = alpha), and it represents the Beginning.  But its written symbol also represents "God above, man below, and That which connects them.  (In Sanskrit, the term "That" translates as God.  -And so, one could say, That which connects God to man, is God. = Messiah. = Christ.) Anyway, to thicken the plot, in philosophical/existential terms, an aleph also represents a single point in time/space, where everything collides- none of which is minimized, but simply concentrated into a singular point of experience.

And so. Back to Christ on the cross, and His suffering.  He may or may not have *actually felt the physical torture inflicted upon Him.  That is beside the point; that suffering is a mere shadow, an analogy pointing toward HIM as the ultimate, holy ALEPH- that point at which ALL is concentrated into a singularity, if you will.  You know that terrible feeling of guilt and conviction when you've done something wrong, and then it is doubled by the disappointment you have caused others with your actions?  Shame?  Regret?  These are very REAL, tangible feelings we've all experienced.  -Christ, on the cross, felt THAT-- the infinite WEIGHT of every wrong thing, every transgression, EVER committed by man. He felt the [rightful] rage, disappointment, and heartbreak of the Father who created us.  ALL of this was poured into a 'singularity' - that time He spent on the cross.  His physical pain was NOTHING compared to that.  It is, practically, *beside the point.*  It's a shadow and a weak analogy of the existential suffering Christ endured.

Christ IS the Aleph- that singularity at which ALL converges.  He is the Alpha and the Omega.  Scoff, as you may, at what was done to Him physically. -That's NOTHING compared to Him seeing your very own FACE, while He hung on the cross, experiencing punishment for every last wrong thing you ever have and ever will do.  And loving you, no less.  He could have called down 10,000 angels to take His place. But He didn't.  He suffered, lovingly, for OUR wrongs.  It is NOT a guilt-trip.  It is an invitation into GRACE.  It's an invitation into, "hey.  You know all that stuff you don't like about yourself, and wish you could change?  I LOVE YOU.  Let me MOVE INTO your heart, and make those changes FOR you."

Again, friends, that is NOT shame; it is GRACE.  It is the Creator of the universe saying directly to YOU, "I love you so much, I'd rather pay your debt than live without you."  There IS NO guilt, shame, or hiding.  IT IS DONE.  He took care of it.  Be free, knowing that, and do not take it for granted.  

A Moveable Feast

I actually don't know what that book is about, but that phrase came to me when I was thinking what to title this blog.  In science, in order for a theory to be sound, it must be reproducable.  In other words, it must be applicable. The process must be something that others can themselves carry out, and find similar results.

This morning at church, Mark talked about the Holy Spirit.  Allow me, before I go on, to digress a moment to talk about the holy trinity.  Of course, that means God AS the Father, God AS the Son, and God AS the Holy Spirit.  Now philosophically, that's a mess.  Let's just admit it!  But here's how I figure it. If a little tiny Tiff can have "inner dualities" -that even exchange ideas,and sometimes argue!- and still just be ONE person, then just mayyyybe God Himself can be a triumvirate, and still just be ONE God?? Anyway, so God the Father is like- I dunno- the "head" of the whole deal. I'm really not sure.  But I know that God the Son is Christ- the physical incarnation of God.  And God the Holy Spirit is just that- God's very spirit- and that is what I refer to as the "moveable feast."  Anyway, back to this morning's sermon.

Mark put a LOT of emphasis on the idea of Jesus setting aside the privileges of Godhood while He walked the earth. -Now let me clarify.  He was STILL God.  But He set that aside, because something else needed to get credit for His actions. I love this, because it is lovING.  Think about being a parent (social worker, boss...), and setting aside your knowledge of how to carry out X task, and letting your child (client, subordinate....) do it themselves- NOT because you literally cannot, at that moment, do it yourself- but because you need that _____ to get credit for doing it him/her-SELF.  THEY need the credit.  The analogy I'm drawing is not one of parent and child, but one of capability and credit.

See, Jesus was ABLE to work all the miracles He did on this earth AS God Himself.  But He set that aside,and allowed the Spirit of the Father work THROUGH him.  Now, wait a minute.  Jesus didn't do those things out of His OWN Godhood?  -Nope.  This is why it was important to review the trinity.  Jesus as God the Son *set aside* those capabilities, and allowed the Holy Spirit to work THROUGH Him, like I said.  Well isn't ALL the power ultimately just, ya know, GOD's?  Well yes.  But through separate conduits.  Christ set aside His ability to be a conduit, because He needed the Spirit to get the credit.

Why?  Well, several reasons.  First of all, letting the Spirit work through Him points everything back to the Father.  And that is foundational in the Gospel.  Second, because this creates a reproducible blueprint.  In order for God to become FULLY available to humanity, God had to BECOME a human, and to design a "process of connection" that is REPRODUCIBLE with any and all humans.  Christ set aside His Godhood and let the Spirit work THROUGH Him.  Then he sent the Spirit to US, so the Spirit could work THROUGH us!  Thus, the Holy Spirit is a Moveable Feast.  <3

More Sunday Afternoon Thoughts

So we're still in John 14, and Greg said some wonderful things this morning about the Lord.  He talked about the exclusivity of Christ's claims, and how the world takes issue with them- or conveniently overlooks them- and the logical fallacies that ensue.  He channelled the beloved CS Lewis when discussing a popular saying that encompasses the 'convenient overlooking'- "I like Jesus, I just really don't like the church...." [Sidenote: ya don't HAVE to like "the church" as an institution; it's quite ok if you don't!  In fact, many Christians don't like "the church" as an institution, either!]  Anyway, Greg talked about how you can't "like" Jesus, if you're paying any attention to His claims.  That is, you either worship Him, or think He's crazy.  But when the whole deal is closely examined, there really isn't a middle ground.  

Further, Greg called the church- and Christians- on the carpet for being arrogant.  And it's true, we often are, and that's ugly.  But I loved what Greg points out: Christianity is the ONLY religion which has NO right to be arrogant.  That is to say, we don't get ANY credit.   Christ did everything FOR us.  There is no fumbling toward moral perfection, or seeking ultimate 'godhood,' or any pats on the back for 'being a good person.'  Are we called to work on ourselves as human beings and take responsibility for our actions, etc?  Of course.  Called to 'be more Christlike, with the guidance of the Spirit?'  Yep. But within the context of the gospel, I did not "do something impressive to earn the title of Christian."  All I get credit for is believing.

And speaking of believing, so many people take issue with the exclusivity of Christianity. But the thing is, if you really take a close look at ANY religion or worldview, you'll hit a point somewhere down the road that it becomes exclusive.  Ya can't believe "everything," cuz that is contradictory.  If there exists any truth at all, then it follows that there are, therefore, un-truths.  And here's what Greg said that I got SUCH a kick out of- Christianity is really the most *inclusive* of all the exclusive systems.  Why?  Because everyone's invited.  One simple instruction: Believe.  All of this has already been done for you, God ALREADY loves you and ALREADY wants you for eternity.  Just believe that.  "But why does there have to be a story of redemption to begin with?  I mean, why would God create a world that He would then have to go back and 'fix' with the resurrection?"  Well, cuz He gave us a choice.  As a perfect Being, He can't abide *imperfection, but He loves us, so He paid the price Himself.  -And DON'T think that sacrificial redemption is strictly a Judeo-Christian concept.  Because the entire history of spirituality is littered with it- as well, with the concept that humans aren't perfect, and that this imperfection needs to be addressed- whether that be legally or spiritually/existentially.  Point being, the idea of addressing our short-comings with sacrifical redemption is not JUST "internally cogent" to the Christian narrative-- it's universal. 

And so, back to God.  He paid the ticket.  Cuz He loves us.  But He won't *make us choose Him. So like I said, sure it's exclusive.  But how much, really?  Everyone's invited, and the only think asked of you is to believe. "So, all the God of Christianity is asking me to do, is believe that Christ is the Messiah?" -Yep.  "Riiiight.  What about all that other stuff that's associated with Christianity, then.?"  -Well sure, we're called to do all sorts of things.  And sometimes we don't do them.  Or worse, sometimes we get deluded into believing that our worth as individuals (or more accurately, as immortal spiritual beings) is DEPENDENT upon those things.  Then we get bossy and insecure....and arrogant and judgmental..... Oops.  There we go, again.  The thing is, if you truly believe in your heart of hearts that you HAVE a debt- and that it's already PAID- then a lot of those other trappings tend to fall into place quite naturally, out of gratitude and humility. 

Let me draw you an analogy.  First, put into your mind that quote from Christ, "I am the bread of life."  -So, ok.  As a human being, I ought to do lots of things.  I should go to work, pay my bills, be nice to my friends and family, keep some semblance of cleanliness in my apartment, get some sleep, bathe once in awhile, and I should probably eat. -Actually, at the lowest common denominator, I as a physiological organism must first and foremost, EAT.  Everything falls behind that (even sleep, if you consider that, at some point, your body will MAKE you sleep, but it can't MAKE you eat).  That other stuff is very important too, but we MUST eat to stay alive and DO those things.  -Ok, so back to my quote.  "I am the bread of life."  -As a spiritual being, God's top priority for you is to really believe that He is truly, deeply, and intimately crazy about you- moreso than the most devout lover.  And He manifests that love in the personhood of Christ.  See what I did there?  We must eat.  Christ is the bread of life.  Again, all that other stuff (whether it be the functions of a modern human, or the functions of a Christian) is important, too.  But first, "eat."  And by that, I mean believe in the fantastic love that an infinite- yet personal- God is wanting to show you (and really already is, whether you recognize it or not).

So to bring the wheel full-circle, yeah Christianity is exclusive.  And Christians can be jerks, just like everyone else.  It's really not possible to be human without being a jerk sometimes.  And it's not possible to construct a worldview isn't exclusive in one way or another.  But with Chistianity, everyone's invited, no matter what.  No matter what.  He just wants you to believe.  That sounds to me like a pretty sweet deal.

I’ve been thinking a lot about God, and the misconceptions we all have about Him.  I could go on ad infinitum, waxing my own ego with “profound thoughts on a Supreme Being….”  But really, today, I just want to share a few ideas which are fresh on my mind and heart. 

I can hear my skeptical friends in my head, every time I sit in church, and I always find myself thinking about how the ugly things they believe/suspect/fear about Him are basically not true.   Like, how we’re not forgiven until we accept Christ.  –No, we’re ALL already forgiven.  Part of accepting Christ is choosing to believe that.  God already forgave you, but He doesn’t want to be a puppet master- He won’t *make* you choose Him.  He’d rather you choose Him as an act of love, just as He chose us as an act of love.  He didn’t have to, but He did.  -We don’t have to, but we can.

Or how Christianity is “a crock, because Christians believe they’re not sinners anymore, or that they’re exempt from the judgment of God, so they can do whatever they want.”  -Nope, we’re all still a bunch of sinners; we just try to seek the guidance of the Spirit to try to live better lives.  And we do NOT have a “free pass to do whatever we want now that we’re saved.”  If we truly believe the spiritual and existential gravity of that concept, that means that we are now *compelled/convicted* to try our best NOT to take advantage of God’s grace.  But as long as we remain in this human body, we are still broken and fallible.  God understands that.  He simply asks that we as HIM to walk with us and guide us, so that He can provide some light to our path.   

Or how about, “if I believe in God/become a Christian, bad things will stop happening to me” - ?  Well no wonder you’re disappointed, if that’s what you believed.  NOWHERE in that book, is that promise made.  Does He promise a “peace that surpasses all understanding?”  Yes.  But I can tell you from experience that profound peace *in the midst of* common human struggles is a LOT more powerful than a simple lack of complication.  After all, what men (humans) do we revere more? –Those who ‘succeed’ at living uncomplicated lives?  Or those who face great pain and adversity, and manage to take it on with grace, perseverance, humility, and resilience? –THAT is what God is offering.   

Then there’s “where was God when X bad thing happened?/ Maybe He LET (or worse, MADE) X bad thing happen in order to teach me a lesson/bring about ____ results/’make’ me get closer to Him.”  -What a mean guy, if that’s what you believe!  God ALLOWS all sorts of things.  Like I said, He gave us free will, and He has no interest in running a puppet show.  But He neither causes pain, nor does He ignore it.  Where was He when you were sobbing in a heap on the floor?  He was sobbing in a heap right next to you.  In other words, He’s got your back; He hurts when you hurt, just like your best friends, significant other, or close family members hurt with you, because they love you.  God doesn’t MAKE bad things happen- He hates ‘bad things.’  But that ship sailed, and it’s for another conversation.  In the midst of those bad things, He’s chomping at the bit to *use* them to bring you closer to Him and His love and comfort, and to provide any wisdom, growth, and healing that might be available in those circumstances.  But as is the nature of free will, it’s our choice to make ourselves available to what He’s offering in the midst of our pain. 

And on that note, let’s talk a moment about blaming God.  I’ll readily admit I’ve been mad at Him a good share in my own life, and assuredly will be again.  Not because X or Y was “His fault,” but because I too wish He just didn’t let us hurt.  Thing is, He’s a big boy, and He can handle us being mad at Him sometimes.  That doesn’t make those bad things His fault, though.  If I am hurtful toward someone else, is that God’s fault?  No.  I did that.  Likewise, if someone else hurts me, is that God’s fault?  Nope.  I just saw a comic strip where, in one panel, a baseball player is thanking God for his home run.  In the next, there’s a starving orphan and a drawing of God in the sky with a snide, indifferent smile on His face.  “If God is all-powerful, then how is it He gets credit for all the good things, but *doesn’t* get credit for all the bad things?  Why doesn’t He stop the bad things?”  Well I believe, like I said, that He didn’t CAUSE the bad things.  He is a good God.  But He did allow them, and my personal belief is that his “grand master plan” will ultimately answer for all of that, in ways we don’t have the capacity to understand.  But it brings to mind a quote I love: “I cried out to God, ‘look at all the horror and suffering in this world!  Why don’t you send someone to do something about it?’  And God answered, ‘I did.  I sent you.’ “   So yeah, if you hate all that ugliness, then ask yourself what you’re doing about it.  Ask yourself what GOD could do about it THROUGH you, if you *let* Him.

Like I said, there are other things I have thoughts on regarding God, but I’ll stop here, save only a couple more thoughts:  “Why would God care about what’s going on in my daily life?” –Well, He doesn’t have to.  But I believe He’s a being of love.  And if He is, then He MUST care that intimately.  “Why would God even be paying attention to us, considering we’re just a tiny blip in this immense universe?  I mean, isn’t that a bit self-centered of us humans to think that, if there IS a Creator, He would actually be paying any attention to us at all?”  -Well sure, He doesn’t need to.  But I’ll tell you that, if He *can’t* -as in, isn’t able to, in light of the immensity of all existence- then He’s not God.  But if He is- if there IS God at ALL- then caring about us and paying close attention to our daily lives- is certainly NOT beyond His infinite power.  “God is not limited to MY lack of imagination.” [-one of my favorite Al-Anon quips]  (Because, like I said, if He is [limited], then He’s not God.)